Jaffl3
Active Member
Well, hello. Apologies for the gap between this and the last blog (and for not being around in general), hopefully this'll make up for the time off. Anyway, I shall begin..
This third installment of this dating shittery once again took place when I was roughly 13 or 14. I was the world's youngest and least successful player, you see.
So the girl at the centre of this week's shenanigans briefly went to my primary school, and I had stumbled across her online. I think we shall call her Frodo, because frankly I'm running out of names that rhyme, and Frodo is as good a name as any.
I briefly flirted with Frodo online, before we once again decided to meet up. She suggested visiting Mordor together, but as we were planning on walking, we decided the local beach would be more practical. The plan was to meet at a nearby park and then stroll down together.
Romantic as fuck, yo.
The day of the date came, and I arrived at the park that we had planned to meet at. Fortunately for me, I had recently gotten a new phone, so I had something to stare at meaninglessly while I waited for her to turn up. I must have pretended to text everyone on my contact list at least twice. Eventually I looked to my right, and saw Frodo smiling at me as she walked over, her long, silky blonde hair shimmering in the pools of sunlight that snuck through the leaves above, her beautiful smile pulling at the corners of my own mouth... and her large, hairy feet dragging along beneath her.
She approached and we embraced, saying hello rather awkwardly. I began to move in the direction of the beach, but she held my arm and told me to wait. She turned and looked towards a tree not far away, just as her friend, Sam (female) shuffled out from behind it. She introduced us, and as I was pretty certain a threesome wasn't on the cards, I realised this wasn't a good
thing.
So, I walked down the high street with twice as many girls as I had hoped for, only one of which I was pleased to see. Nevertheless, I was sure Sam would be lovely, and we would enjoy the date just as much.
We reached a quieter section of the road to the beach, and I noticed a group of men walking towards us. I briefly allowed myself a little pride at walking down the road with two beautiful girls, and I couldn't help a smirk escaping my lips.
It was approximately three seconds after this that the group passed us. As we walked past each other, the largest, baldest member of their group suddenly launched himself at us. Standing so close to me I could smell last week's cigarettes on his breath, he shouted at me 'OI, GIMME A FIVER'. To translate, this gentleman was demanding that I spare him one of my finest five pound notes. As it happened, I didn't have one of the aforementioned notes on my person, and so completely froze, thinking of what I could offer him instead. Before I could throw Sam at him as collateral, he began to laugh, and continued to walk away with his pals.
My face a little redder, my pants a little browner and my legs a little weaker, I managed to stumble on. The girls thought it was funny, so I managed to humour them and laugh it off too.
Once we arrived on the golden (piss-brown) sands of the beach, we became bored rather soon. Frodo once again pushed for a skip to Mordor, but I sternly refused. Instead, we decided to play hide and seek, and Frodo insisted that Sam would be the one to count. I could see this was my opportunity to gain some time alone with her, and perhaps get a little closer. Frodo took her shoes off as they were hurting (not surprisingly), but I kept mine on.
We walked straight towards the pier, and I started to feel sorry for Sam. We had pretty much abandoned her, and there was no chance of her finding us this far away.
My thoughts didn't remain with her for long, however. As we walked across the pier, I managed to not only stand on a half empty can of beer, but also get the can jammed onto my shoe. I shook it around a little, until it came off. Pleased with myself, I looked up to see Frodo wide-eyed and slack-jawed, and realised I had just shaken the contents of the beer can all over her. I wasn't entirely sure how to respond to this, I was only glad that it was her and not Gimli.
I attempted to wipe her down without fondling her too heavily, although it was difficult to avoid touching her large b.. feet. Much to my relief she soon calmed down, and we stood gazing over the ocean from the edge of the pier.
At last, the date was looking up. It was a wonderful day, I had finally gotten some time alone with Frodo, and I genuinely thought she might actually like me. She was laughing at my shit jokes, kept smiling at me and seemed to be quite enjoying spending time with me.
Of course, she decided this would be a good time to tell me that she had a boyfriend. (Oh Mr Frodo…) My heart felt like it was melting, trickling down my cold torso and dripping onto my shoes. I later realised that was probably beer dripping off my shorts, but that's nowhere near as poetic.
I managed to spit out the words 'Oh, ok.. well that's fine,' so that the rest of the date wouldn't be horrifically awkward.
With that romantic moment out the window, we walked back over to Sam, who was faithfully waiting for us in the exact same spot that we left her. We sat down and talked for a while about nothing in particular, and eventually the girls found another way for us to pass the time. Sam took off her socks, filled them with sand and began to swing them round.
This was somehow marvellous fun, until Sam let go of her sand-filled sock, and watched it go careening directly into Frodo's face. As luck would have it, Frodo had her mouth wide open at the moment of impact, and so the sand went hurtling down her throat.
This mystical flying sock of doom knocked Frodo down, and instantly she turned into a crouching Gollum. She started rasping at her friend, 'YOU FUCKING BITCH', 'WHY DID YOU FUCKING DO THAT?' and a little quieter, 'We hates the nasty Hobbitses!' She soon began to cough uncontrollably and threw up into the sand, saying goodbye to her precious lunch.
I don't remember much after this happened, I assume I managed to make it home without being mugged or anything. I also remember being incredibly embarrassed by this particular story, until I told a couple of friends a few years later and they pissed themselves laughing. Somehow I'm glad for shitty times like this, as long as it makes at least one person laugh when I tell them about it.
Well that's that, I'm out of awful first dates as far as I can remember, I do have a few other stories to tell, but I'll welcome any suggestions for things to write about. If I end up doing something based on your suggestion then I'll happily give credit where it's due.
Have a nice day, and thank you for reading.
This third installment of this dating shittery once again took place when I was roughly 13 or 14. I was the world's youngest and least successful player, you see.
So the girl at the centre of this week's shenanigans briefly went to my primary school, and I had stumbled across her online. I think we shall call her Frodo, because frankly I'm running out of names that rhyme, and Frodo is as good a name as any.
I briefly flirted with Frodo online, before we once again decided to meet up. She suggested visiting Mordor together, but as we were planning on walking, we decided the local beach would be more practical. The plan was to meet at a nearby park and then stroll down together.
Romantic as fuck, yo.
The day of the date came, and I arrived at the park that we had planned to meet at. Fortunately for me, I had recently gotten a new phone, so I had something to stare at meaninglessly while I waited for her to turn up. I must have pretended to text everyone on my contact list at least twice. Eventually I looked to my right, and saw Frodo smiling at me as she walked over, her long, silky blonde hair shimmering in the pools of sunlight that snuck through the leaves above, her beautiful smile pulling at the corners of my own mouth... and her large, hairy feet dragging along beneath her.
She approached and we embraced, saying hello rather awkwardly. I began to move in the direction of the beach, but she held my arm and told me to wait. She turned and looked towards a tree not far away, just as her friend, Sam (female) shuffled out from behind it. She introduced us, and as I was pretty certain a threesome wasn't on the cards, I realised this wasn't a good
thing.
So, I walked down the high street with twice as many girls as I had hoped for, only one of which I was pleased to see. Nevertheless, I was sure Sam would be lovely, and we would enjoy the date just as much.
We reached a quieter section of the road to the beach, and I noticed a group of men walking towards us. I briefly allowed myself a little pride at walking down the road with two beautiful girls, and I couldn't help a smirk escaping my lips.
It was approximately three seconds after this that the group passed us. As we walked past each other, the largest, baldest member of their group suddenly launched himself at us. Standing so close to me I could smell last week's cigarettes on his breath, he shouted at me 'OI, GIMME A FIVER'. To translate, this gentleman was demanding that I spare him one of my finest five pound notes. As it happened, I didn't have one of the aforementioned notes on my person, and so completely froze, thinking of what I could offer him instead. Before I could throw Sam at him as collateral, he began to laugh, and continued to walk away with his pals.
My face a little redder, my pants a little browner and my legs a little weaker, I managed to stumble on. The girls thought it was funny, so I managed to humour them and laugh it off too.
Once we arrived on the golden (piss-brown) sands of the beach, we became bored rather soon. Frodo once again pushed for a skip to Mordor, but I sternly refused. Instead, we decided to play hide and seek, and Frodo insisted that Sam would be the one to count. I could see this was my opportunity to gain some time alone with her, and perhaps get a little closer. Frodo took her shoes off as they were hurting (not surprisingly), but I kept mine on.
We walked straight towards the pier, and I started to feel sorry for Sam. We had pretty much abandoned her, and there was no chance of her finding us this far away.
My thoughts didn't remain with her for long, however. As we walked across the pier, I managed to not only stand on a half empty can of beer, but also get the can jammed onto my shoe. I shook it around a little, until it came off. Pleased with myself, I looked up to see Frodo wide-eyed and slack-jawed, and realised I had just shaken the contents of the beer can all over her. I wasn't entirely sure how to respond to this, I was only glad that it was her and not Gimli.
I attempted to wipe her down without fondling her too heavily, although it was difficult to avoid touching her large b.. feet. Much to my relief she soon calmed down, and we stood gazing over the ocean from the edge of the pier.
At last, the date was looking up. It was a wonderful day, I had finally gotten some time alone with Frodo, and I genuinely thought she might actually like me. She was laughing at my shit jokes, kept smiling at me and seemed to be quite enjoying spending time with me.
Of course, she decided this would be a good time to tell me that she had a boyfriend. (Oh Mr Frodo…) My heart felt like it was melting, trickling down my cold torso and dripping onto my shoes. I later realised that was probably beer dripping off my shorts, but that's nowhere near as poetic.
I managed to spit out the words 'Oh, ok.. well that's fine,' so that the rest of the date wouldn't be horrifically awkward.
With that romantic moment out the window, we walked back over to Sam, who was faithfully waiting for us in the exact same spot that we left her. We sat down and talked for a while about nothing in particular, and eventually the girls found another way for us to pass the time. Sam took off her socks, filled them with sand and began to swing them round.
This was somehow marvellous fun, until Sam let go of her sand-filled sock, and watched it go careening directly into Frodo's face. As luck would have it, Frodo had her mouth wide open at the moment of impact, and so the sand went hurtling down her throat.
This mystical flying sock of doom knocked Frodo down, and instantly she turned into a crouching Gollum. She started rasping at her friend, 'YOU FUCKING BITCH', 'WHY DID YOU FUCKING DO THAT?' and a little quieter, 'We hates the nasty Hobbitses!' She soon began to cough uncontrollably and threw up into the sand, saying goodbye to her precious lunch.
I don't remember much after this happened, I assume I managed to make it home without being mugged or anything. I also remember being incredibly embarrassed by this particular story, until I told a couple of friends a few years later and they pissed themselves laughing. Somehow I'm glad for shitty times like this, as long as it makes at least one person laugh when I tell them about it.
Well that's that, I'm out of awful first dates as far as I can remember, I do have a few other stories to tell, but I'll welcome any suggestions for things to write about. If I end up doing something based on your suggestion then I'll happily give credit where it's due.
Have a nice day, and thank you for reading.
