Figured I'd make a post about this on the site eventually and I figure now that it is long since dead I have nothing truly to fear (If I ever did). I don't even mean to make this a "personal vlog" but more of a discussion of those of us who risk losing or have lost much of their lives for simply being.
I pieced together that I was trans not long before wootles shut down the server though I spent a long time contemplating the situation after. I wanted to be sure I was not about to walk into a mistake brought on by my own teenage angst clouding my judgement. Outside of telling some very close friends my secret to search for advice I was extremely secretive on the subject. My local GSA had become so wrapped up in politics that I was ousted for my libertarian viewpoints and thus they were no help to someone who faintly pretended to be the "cis male" they so much despised. Surprisingly it was though anime conventions and being able to cosplay that I was able to express my inner gender and those experiences kept me going in very dark times. After a trip to Ghana to work in an orphanage during my summer before senior year I decided to finally attempt to come out to my parents. I remembered my own mother being quite trilled on Kailin Jenner's coming out just a year prior. This was a false sense of security.
My parents said nasty and horrible things to me: "I'll never believe in your happiness", "Who could ever love a freak like you", "you're brainwashed" ect. While I wasn't kicked out of the house or punished (other than verbally) for my identity it was still clearly too dangerous to be open about myself to them or those outside of my close circle of friends. For two more years I hid that part of myself away and after returning to Ghana and taking a semester in Morocco, I asked my older sister for advice. While at first she was willing to help me, she too turned on me in order to pander to our parents and attempt to claim that she knew me better than I could know myself (Ironically she was the more liberal minded of the already anarchist family). Over this last year my childhood home became a prison and I've had to leave nursing school for a year and hide out living on my own in Maine (Same place I go to school so I'm not unfamiliar). Only in the last month was I able to (out of my own pocket, lacking insurance) get HRT therapy and begun physically transitioning (My family doesn't know and I refuse to let them until the changes are clearly visible). It's been a long and awful journey and I cannot honestly tell you if the whole shitshow has been worth it. But I can leave people questioning gender identity or any other identity some advice:
BE SURE THIS IS RIGHT FOR YOU! It may seem obvious to those of us living in more trans-phobic situations, but transitioning is not a game nor something you should partake in if you are honestly going through a phase of experimentation (Not to imply that this is for you or anyone else). Watching your family fall apart, your relationships, maybe even a marriage; none of this is worth the risk until you are absolutely sure though deep introspection that this is right for you. This is incredibly important if you are currently in a very liberal minded area (Like most college campuses) to consider because if you step out into the rest of the world you will find the cold grip of cruelty engulf you and it will drive you mad. I can't use public bathrooms anymore because I will get dirty looks no matter which I walk into (hopefully as my transition progresses this will change). I get called "f@6607" in the bus terminal on my way home to visit friends. Keep in mind that I am short, long haired, and femininely faced but if I attempt to present male I get hounded. If you financially rely on anyone in your life who might reject you for your identity, wait until you have the funds to escape them. Save up enough to pay for a month's rent if you need to run away like I did.
The best advice I was ever given was to think long and hard as to if you enjoy presenting female for the fashion/attention or if you genuinely feel it to be right for you. Think of the person you want to see when you look in the mirror in the vacuum of your own solitude.
Something about a video game where you can mold the world in your own image though your own effort seems to appeal to those of us with gender dysphoria.
